Daddy's Bedtime Story
Or The Bunny Rabbit Who Wanted to be a Turd
Once upon time there was a daddy with two little girls. The oldest had brown hair and green eyes and the younger one had bright red hair and lots of freckles. The daddy had a humped back and only one blue eye. His missing eye was covered with a black cotton eyepatch. He had terrible teeth but a beautiful smile.
One night the daddy came home late after working all day at his typewriter and the two little girls had already been put to bed by their mommy.
But the little girls were not asleep. When they heard the creak of their daddy’s black patent leather dancing shoes on the stairs and then on the wooden floor leading to the Castro Street house’s only bathroom, they called out to him.
Daddy! Daddy! Come tell us a story!
The daddy stood in the girls’ bedroom doorway, lit from behind by the hallway light. He was holding a glass and behind him on the landing, they could just make out the life-sized stuffed baby elephant that he had bought for the oldest daughter before she was born.
You beasts should be asleep, the daddy said as the sounds of mommy talking with daddy’s typewriter friends drifted up from the dining room downstairs.
The little girls pleaded. And then asked pretty please. And then demanded that a bedtime story be told because they hadn’t seen him all day.
The daddy could never say no to his little girls.
Their room was a little chilly as the fog had come in and there was no heat upstairs in their old house. The little girls snuggled down under their covers beneath the white wicker headboards of their matching twin beds.
The red-headed sister’s bed creaked as the daddy settled on to the end of it, shoving over Alice, their Basset hound. Fluffy, the girls’ pet rabbit, crunched carrots in her wire cage in the corner of the room. The daddy took a big sip of his drink and began:
Once upon a time, in a beautiful city by the water, there was a very special bunny rabbit. Now this rabbit was white and fluffy with black spots. He was a young rabbit and wanted to get out and see the world. Now this bunny had given it a lot of thought and decided that the only way to get out of the place that he lived was to become a turd.
Like a poo? The red-headed sister asked.
Yes, said the daddy, sipping his drink. A turd.
Then he giggled.
Then they all giggled.
But how could this sweet beautiful little bunny become a turd?
Then the daddy paused dramatically.
CAM-OU-FLAGE
What’s that? The two little girls asked in unison.
That's when you disguise yourself to blend in with your surroundings.
After taking a drink, the daddy continued:
So this clever little bunny gets some yarn, brown yarn, and hops into a bar and goes into the bathroom. He wraps himself all up in yarn and HOPS!
Here the daddy, who was of no small stature, jumped up and then crashed down on the end of the bed for emphasis, startling Alice.
into the toilet!
Then he waits.
The daddy drinks while he waits for the bunny rabbit to make his next move.
He waits a long time.
All the while listening to the people in the bar laughing and playing liar's dice and the sound of the cash register and the jukebox. The poor little bunny was wet and getting cold in the toilet.
He waits so long he starts to miss his little cage and his lettuce and carrots and bunny friends. What if he never sees them again?
The daddy stops to ponder this question, as he refreshes himself again.
Suddenly, the bathroom door opens and a big fat lady comes into the bathroom stall. She shuts the door and pulls up her dress and this GIANT WHITE BUTT starts coming towards the bunny as she goes to sit on the toilet. This butt looks as big as a WHALE!
The fat lady jumps up and screams!
“Ah! Something tickled my butt! There's a rabbit in the toilet! What the hell?! Ahhh!!”
The daddy yells this in falsetto, jumping up quite agilely for a man of his bulk. Alice jumps off the bed, shakes from nose to ears to tail, releasing her warm Fritos scent, and then walks out the door, her nails clacking like high heels on the wooden floor.
And then the fat lady flushes the bunny down the toilet!
The little girls gasp, wide awake and worried for the little bunny.
Down the bunny rabbit goes, round and round, upside down, through the pipe from the bar, to the street, and through the neighborhood. Just when the bunny can’t hold his breath any more, he finds himself in an underground lake where he pops up and can catch his breath. He hops onto a log floating in the lake.
The daddy is almost out of breath and so he stops to take a breath and a drink as the little girls wonder what’s next for the poor little bunny.
That’s when he sees an enormous pair of green eyes glowing in the dark. It's a turd-eating alligator! The eyes come closer. The alligator speaks:
“You don’t look like my usual turds? What are you?”
“Oh, hi Mr. Alligator, see, I'm not really turd. I’m a bunny rabbit who wants to be a turd.”
“Hmmm,” says the alligator. “I eat turds. You say you want to be a turd?”
”Well, I’m not really a turd, see?” says the bunny, pulling off the last of the yarn. ”I was in a toilet and my ears tickled this fat lady’s butt and she flushed me and here I am. I'm really a bunny rabbit.”
“Are you sure? Because I'm very hungry,” said the alligator, coming closer and showing the bunny his very sharp teeth.
“Yes! I'm sure. I'm a bunny rabbit! I don’t want to be a turd anymore. See you later!”
The daddy rattles his glass but the girls can hear that there is only ice left in it.
And the bunny rabbit swam out of the lake and found himself in a different city filled with bunnies and had a great time and lived happily ever after.
THE END
Goodnight beasts.
The daddy then kisses each little girl goodnight and tucks them in super-duper tight, as requested.
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hilarious. and touching. and LOVE the photo <3
That’s a Warren story, right down to the last ice cube. Delightful! That you remembered it and told it so well in his voice is charming. He would have loved it as you & H did in its first telling. Cheers!!!!